If only you knew the pain is still there
would you shed a tear, would you even care?
It’s getting closer and closer to the date we last spoke. The pain, the memories, the tears are returning. The guilt, the confusion, frustrations all building up. Even after all this time and distance between us, you can still hurt me. I still allow past words and actions to seep through and control my thoughts. I need to get this out now. I need to get these feelings in black and white to help me realise how ridiculous they are and to rid me of this negativity.
As a child you look up to your parents/guardians. They are always there for you. They may not always like what you are doing but you know that they will always be there for you and always love you. A parents love is unconditional and never ending. Or it should be…
Why do I not feel I had that? Why did you hurt me? Physically and mentally… How could you want to cause so much pain on your own child, especially when you had already lost your first 2 children? WHY??????
Then things get too tough for you so you run away. Leave your 11 year old child with a goodbye letter and leave them with your boyfriend who never really liked kids. You thought you could take the easy way out and leave me to suffer alone and afraid. Yes you did come back. But you will never realise the pain and abandonment I felt in those few hours. My life was ripped apart. There was never an apology. Never an attempt at an explanation. Just all brushed under the carpet. Now you even deny it happened. It’s just another one of those stories that I have either fabricated or it’s a false memory implanted by somebody who is out to get you. Grow up!
I don’t understand why some people can’t just admit to what they have done. Well, maybe I can see why but it frustrates me so much. I know that to admit what you have done wrong would mean admitting that you were a bad parent at times. That admitting your mistakes would mean you weren’t perfect. But guess what… You weren’t and never will be because NOBODY IS!!!! Why can’t you see that denial is making things worse. You are causing yourself and others more pain. If only you could open your eyes enough to see that. To see past your own pain and self pity and see that there is a way out of all this. But instead time goes on and the more seconds that pass by the less the chances to make things right become.
It’s all over now. I’ve known that for a while, but the pain still hurts. The memories still come back to haunt me. I still miss you… I always will.
Whilst life is so much less complicated and dramatic it will always be missing you. No matter what happened in the past, or will happen in the future, I will always love you. I will always long for what could and should have been. I will always feel cheated out of the one relationship that should have been guaranteed to me as a child. But I will use this pain. I will use it all for a greater good. My children will never have to feel the way I do. They will never have to feel the loss that I feel. I will always be there for them, I will never play mind games with them, never make them feel guilty for just being alive. My children will feel love and comfort, kindness and compassion, grace and forgiveness, happiness and security. My brain may be messed up by you but my children will never ever be this way. They WILL NOT!
I am making a change. History will not repeat itself. I will be the best mum I can be. I will admit when I am wrong, apologise when I need to, love them unconditionally, support them no matter what, never leave them and never treat them badly.
But still my mind wanders back to you…
Why???? I will wonder that until the day I die. WHY?
There is so much more I could say here but I don’t think I would ever stop. Instead I will just end with this thought…
A child deserves to feel loved and secure. Children are innocent and they learn from us, No child should ever have to fear a parent or doubt their love and commitment.
If you are reading this and you have a child, please go give them a hug and tell them how much you love them. Your love is the most important thing in the world to them and they can never have too much of it.