Let it go, let it go…

The frozen theme tune could well sum up where I am right now.

I think the person who has hurt me has somehow found a way to my blog so I will be deleting this account.

But just to leave you with these fleeting words as it comes up to the year anniversary…

Let It Go”

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation,
And it looks like I’m the queen.

The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I tried

Don’t let them in, don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know
Well, now they know

Let it go, let it go
Can’t hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door

I don’t care
What they’re going to say
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway

It’s funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can’t get to me at all

It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me
I’m free

Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You’ll never see me cry

Here I stand
And here I’ll stay
Let the storm rage on

My power flurries through the air into the ground
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I’m never going back,
The past is in the past

Let it go, let it go
And I’ll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone

Here I stand
In the light of day
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway

 

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Changed forever by a kiss…

10 years ago today my life was changed forever by a kiss. Man that makes me feel old lol!! Anyways a positive blog reflecting on this day 10 years ago!!

I started college in September 2002 but spent most of my first year enjoying with my friends lol so in September 2003 I decided to do my 1st year again but with a few different subjects. I had a ‘C’ in music first time round but I decided to also resit that class as I knew I could to better. That simple decision started the ball rolling!! So in my music class I became friends with a nice guy. He was 23 (6 years older than me) and we became good friends. Fast forward to May 2004 and that ‘friendship’ had become rather flirtatious!!

So May 15th 2004 was my friends 17th birthday. We decided to skive college and went down the beach to celebrate her birthday. A friend of ours was 18 so he bought us some alcohol. I had invited this guy I liked, lets call him Jim for blog sakes lol. So Jim was going to be coming down too but he had a meeting with his bank manager first with regards to his business. Well by the time Jim met up with us later that morning I was rather drunk!! It was the first time I had ever had a drink and after quite a lot of alcohol I was rather ill. So much so that I ended up being sick twice and felt like I was dying lol!! Luckily for me Jim was amazing. Holding my hair back for me while I was sick and just looking after me so well and he was so caring. A few hours later, after I had recovered slightly we all decided to sit round and play truth or dare!! My mates knew that I liked Jim and they dared us to kiss. Jim was unsure as he didn’t want to risk our friendship so I simply said ‘I’m not your friend anymore’. That is when the first kiss happened!! There were many more that day too 😉

After that first kiss I kind of knew life would never be the same again. 3 days later we officially became a couple and it was not long before we were saying those three words ‘I love you’.

Things moved quite quickly after that. When we had been together 4 months things were tough for me so I moved in with Jim and his parents. They were so lovely and welcoming and it was a real blessing to be so accepted. When we had been together 6 months we got our own place and another 3 months later we were engaged. May 19th 2006 I married my best friend and we all lived happily ever after……………

Well not quite lol but sort of. The last 10 years have been tough. There have been so many challenges to go through. Loss, family issues, death, illness etc… But there have been many more good times, recovery, births, love, success, the list goes on lol.

So what’s the point of this blog post?

Just to be soppy lol. As you know from a previous post, this last month has been tough on my relationship. But we were built to last. From that first kiss 10 years ago we both knew it was love. But more than that we both knew we were just meant to be together. We are friends, lovers, parents and soul mates. Although we were not Christians when we got married I know that God wanted us to be together. We were both Baptised at the same time and I believe the last 10 years have all been part of God’s plan for us. It’s tough to understand why we had the issues this month but I trust that we will understand it more one day. God will use it for our benefit.

One thing I could never have imagined 10 years ago is how much our life would be blessed. Firstly with becoming Christians. I would never have imagined it but could not imagine life now without God and Church. Hard to remember what life was like before becoming a Christian but I am sure that finding God has saved me from a few suicidal moments and the people in our Church have been such a blessing. Another blessing I could never have imagined is our children. They are so much more amazing than I could have ever hoped. They are amazing. They bring a smile to our faces every day and they never cease to make me laugh or make me feel happy. Our first baby went straight to heaven but I feel blessed to have known that baby inside me for the few months that he lived there.

Life without love would be very lonely. The love of my hubby, my children, my Church, my family in law and my friends, that love keeps me going. But ultimately that love also leads me back to God. God is love. God made us to love each other and that is the greatest blessing there is. 

So 10 years ago my life was changed by a kiss and I am so glad of that.

If you ever read this ‘Jim’. I love you. You are my best friend and there is nobody else I could ever be with. The last 10 years have been challenging but there have been so many amazing times. I can’t wait to see what the next 10 years has in store for us.

Finally I want to end this post with a thank you to my awesome God. Thank you for finding me and saving me. Thank you for doing the same with my hubby too. I know that with you in our marriage we will never fail. Thank you for bringing such an amazing guy into my life. I am forever blessed. what

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The right decisions can be the hardest and hurt the most.

You lucky people get 2 depressing blogs from me this evening lol!! Sorry x

As the title says I hate the fact that the best decisions can quite often be the ones that hurt the most, even with time.

It’s coming up to a year since I had to say goodbye to my mum. She did not die, she did not move away but I had to end the relationship. Some people will not understand that, I can barely get my own head round it. But after years and years of emotional abuse and mind games plus a past history of physical abuse I had to end things. I could no longer put myself through the pain. Yet it still fucking hurts. It sucks. I hate this. I will never be able to understand how a mum can treat their child that way. Especially as she had already alienated herself from my 2 older siblings. She should have been even more determined to do her best for me and to keep me in her life. But why has she let things get this way. it could have all been solved so quickly. All it needed was an admittance that we all do things wrong and a willingness to try and move forwards stronger. Why is that so hard. Am I not worth the effort??????????????????????

It hurts right now. It hurts more than words can say and I hate it. I would give anything to change my upbringing. To have had a happy family and to have felt loved and accepted. But I can’t and I wasn’t loved in the way a child should be. WHY WHY WHY FUCKING WHY

I am angry, I am hurting, I am frustrated, I am broken in a way that will never be healed.

I know all I can do now is be the best mum and wife I can. Make sure that my children never ever feel the way I do right now. The love I feel for them will keep me going and keep me fighting. History WILL NOT repeat itself and I will NEVER be like my mother.

I do miss her. I do still love her. I do still wish with all my heart that things were different and that she was still in my life.

But they are just wishes. Some people just can’t see through their own perfection. I know she enjoys playing the victim.

I cannot change her or my step father. I know that only God can and until the day I die I will be praying for them.

But I don’t think we will ever get a relationship back and that is so sad. Even more so as they are missing out on 2 amazing children. but I know that what I am doing is right for my babies. I am protecting them from witnessing their mammy being constantly put down and I am teaching them the right way to love people (or trying my best to).

I am not perfect and I never will be. I will make many mistakes but I am willing to fight to improve myself and to learn from mistakes. I will always spoil my children with love and attention as they can never have too much of those things. I will always be by their side and will always support them even if I don’t always agree with their decisions. My babies are my world.

But I do still feel pain and loss. May 28th is the last day we spoke, the day of the massive fallout that we just could not get past. I’m sorry that you too are hurting in this. I wish you could understand that you could have changed all of this. But this is the way you chose for it to turn out. I am just sorry you could not love me for who I am.

Inside right now I just feel like a little child, lost and afraid. Hurt and abandoned……………………….

why

So many memories

the pain is just too much right now……………………..

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BPD, struggles, empty, lost and alone

Pretty much as the title says really.

A load of emotions/ feelings running through my mind yet still this numbness, inability to really feel anything other than hurt and pain and alone and scared.

I know that makes no sense at all to most people. I also know that sadly some people will also feel the same way.

bpd is evil. It’s like this horrible person living inside your head yet you have no control. There are good times and times when you think you are beating the illness. Then for no reason things spiral downwards and soon you feel right back at the start, like a failure, a freak.

I wish these feelings could just go away. I’m fed up of them coming back, fed up of fighting.

Went to Church this evening and heard an amazing sermon. I really want to feel those words of hope and comfort. But right now bpd has this brick wall up that won’t let any positivity in. It wants me to drown in self pity and despair. I need to fight this. I need to be strong. I know I will get through this, I always do in the end. But I also know that these feelings will return, they never go away for good.

Struggling to understand this illness. It’s just so cruel. I hate myself for even saying those words. I know people are out there dying right now from far worse and here I am physically healthy, I have so much to be grateful for. But then I guess this isn’t a question of am I being ungrateful. I am ill. It may not be clearly visible from the outside. Maybe I should just wear a sign on my head. But then so few people would take the time to understand due to the massive stigma around mental health. It’s all just made up, an excuse to cover bad behaviour and horrible people. I wish, I just wish so many things…………………….

I love my kids so much. They are my life and my strength. They are my gifts from God and I am sure He uses them to help me.

I just want to cry but I can’t even do that right now. Failure.

Guess I just have to get back on auto pilot, plaster on that ‘happy’ smile and practice my ‘happy’ voice!! Not many people really want to hear how you are feeling and nobody wants to be round a miserable person!

Need to kick myself up the butt and wise up!

If only it were that easy……………..

So there it is. My self pitying mind spilling out onto my blog. Guess it helps me a little though to get this all out though so there is a point to this even though it may seem pointless.

Praying that God will break through this bpd barrier again and remind me that He is always for me.

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Chalenging and testing month :(

I have not written on here for ages. The last 4-5 weeks have just been the worst ever with regards to my relationship. My marriage has been the one constant through this whole awful bpd battle. But for various reasons I felt all of that swept away from me suddenly a few weeks ago. I won’t go into the details here as I don’t think that would be right. But my marriage has been tested further than I would ever wish. So much so that at the weekend we actually split up. But… Fortunately we are back together again. In fact the split only managed to last around 4 hours lol!! But the days before that and those 4 hours themselves, were the worst moments of my life. I never want to feel like that again. I cried, a lot. I talked and listened a lot But I also pushed God away and pushed aside my deep desire for comfort. I am proud to say that my bpd remained rather well in check. But it was tough. I sat and listened through some difficult conversations. I tried to weigh up all the pros and cons. I talked to people and received advice. But it was all so tough.

But through tough times can always come goodness. I realised how amazing my new friends from my daughters school are. They have been amazing and the support they have provided has been far beyond anything I could imagine. They have listened, advised, comforted and kept me company. They have been awesome. Then there is my counsellor. She was there in our times of crisis. One day she even came out to see us twice as things reached such a difficult place. I am very grateful to her.

I don’t believe that God wants us to feel pain. But I think that when we do feel that pain, He will use it for our benefit. He can turn a bad thing good. I have hidden away from Him and His comfort for the last few weeks. I need to change this. I need to see that He has been there through all of this and that ultimately He has saved my marriage.

Our aim now is to continue to work through things. We both have separate counselling sessions set up along with some joint ones. It will be a hard journey. There are confidences broken that need to be rebuilt and feelings that need to be restored. But the most important thing is that we are both prepared to work through these things and the best bit is that we have God by our side. He wants this marriage to work. Some time in the future, probably next year, we will renew our wedding vows. Hopefully somewhere special and surrounded by friends and family. Best of all though God will be there with us.

Marriage is worth sticking at even through times that seem impossible. I still can’t quite believe that we actually split up but hopefully we will never be in that situation again.

Love can conquer all trials.

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If only you knew… would you even care?

If only you knew the pain is still there

would you shed a tear, would you even care?

It’s getting closer and closer to the date we last spoke. The pain, the memories, the tears are returning. The guilt, the confusion, frustrations all building up. Even after all this time and distance between us, you can still hurt me. I still allow past words and actions to seep through and control my thoughts. I need to get this out now. I need to get these feelings in black and white to help me realise how ridiculous they are and to rid me of this negativity.

As a child you look up to your parents/guardians. They are always there for you. They may not always like what you are doing but you know that they will always be there for you and always love you. A parents love is unconditional and never ending. Or it should be…

Why do I not feel I had that? Why did you hurt me? Physically and mentally… How could you want to cause so much pain on your own child, especially when you had already lost your first 2 children? WHY??????

Then things get too tough for you so you run away. Leave your 11 year old child with a goodbye letter and leave them with your boyfriend who never really liked kids. You thought you could take the easy way out and leave me to suffer alone and afraid. Yes you did come back. But you will never realise the pain and abandonment I felt in those few hours. My life was ripped apart. There was never an apology. Never an attempt at an explanation. Just all brushed under the carpet. Now you even deny it happened. It’s just another one of those stories that I have either fabricated or it’s a false memory implanted by somebody who is out to get you. Grow up!

I don’t understand why some people can’t just admit to what they have done. Well, maybe I can see why but it frustrates me so much. I know that to admit what you have done wrong would mean admitting that you were a bad parent at times. That admitting your mistakes would mean you weren’t perfect. But guess what… You weren’t and never will be because NOBODY IS!!!! Why can’t you see that denial is making things worse. You are causing yourself and others more pain. If only you could open your eyes enough to see that. To see past your own pain and self pity and see that there is a way out of all this. But instead time goes on and the more seconds that pass by the less the chances to make things right become.

It’s all over now. I’ve known that for a while, but the pain still hurts. The memories still come back to haunt me. I still miss you… I always will.

Whilst life is so much less complicated and dramatic it will always be missing you. No matter what happened in the past, or will happen in the future, I will always love you. I will always long for what could and should have been. I will always feel cheated out of the one relationship that should have been guaranteed to me as a child. But I will use this pain. I will use it all for a greater good. My children will never have to feel the way I do. They will never have to feel the loss that I feel. I will always be there for them, I will never play mind games with them, never make them feel guilty for just being alive. My children will feel love and comfort, kindness and compassion, grace and forgiveness, happiness and security. My brain may be messed up by you but my children will never ever be this way. They WILL NOT!

I am making a change. History will not repeat itself. I will be the best mum I can be. I will admit when I am wrong, apologise when I need to, love them unconditionally, support them no matter what, never leave them and never treat them badly.

But still my mind wanders back to you…

Why???? I will wonder that until the day I die. WHY?

There is so much more I could say here but I don’t think I would ever stop. Instead I will just end with this thought…

A child deserves to feel loved and secure. Children are innocent and they learn from us, No child should ever have to fear a parent or doubt their love and commitment.

If you are reading this and you have a child, please go give them a hug and tell them how much you love them. Your love is the most important thing in the world to them and they can never have too much of it.

 

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Reflecting on God’s strength and Grace during a tough day.

As you probably already know, my favourite Bible verse is taken from 2 Corinthians 12: When I am weak, then I am strong. This describes today.

My little boy was rushed to hospital in an ambulance. After a few days of being ill he became lethargic, floppy and lifeless. He was sleeping non-stop and was difficult to wake. When he did wake it was for 2 seconds and then he would flop back down into a deep sleep. So after speaking to nhs direct they rung an ambulance as they were very concerned. The ambulance arrives and whisks us off. Baby boy had a very low sugar level and it would not rise. Once we were seen by the nurse they sent us through to the resuscitation unit. Scary!! He was hooked up to heart monitors and had more blood sugar tests done. We stayed there around 20 minutes and then we went up to the ward. His blood sugars continued to decrease so we stayed in for a few hours. When his sugars finally stabilised we were allowed home but were told to take him straight back if he becomes floppy again.

So, why am I telling you this?

It’s a perfect example of my favourite verse being lived out in real life. You see, I was weak in that situation. I kept calm and at no point did I panic or become anxious, but… I was not in control of anything and therefore I was weak. But that did not matter. The one who was in control was strong therefore I need not fear my weakness. I remained calm because I knew we were safe in His hands. He would protect my baby boy and He would keep him safe. I am so grateful that in times of great worry we have a certain hope of safety. No matter what happened today, God had me and my baby safe in His hands. That is so amazing.

I also feel very blessed today to have met so many caring people. It is easy to focus on all the negative things going on in society but I want to take a moment to recognise the good that is still there. The paramedics were lovely. They were caring and reassuring throughout. They were calm and professional and I knew my baby was safe with them. Then there were the many staff in the hospital. They all had a lovely smile and kind words for my baby. They all spoke to him and handled him with love and care. They were all amazing.

Today was meant to be a family day out but it turned out to be spent in hospital. But I do not for one minute resent that. Today has been a blessing despite the difficulties. It has reminded me how many people care, how many people are there to help and how strong my God is. I am blessed because He saved me. I am also blessed because He trusted me to love and care for my two babies. They are my world and I will always fight to be the best and do the best I can for them. I am also blessed to have an amazing husband who really stepped up to help out today. I am blessed to call the three of them my family and I could not ask for any more. My life is complete with them.

Finally I just want to say thank you Father for always holding us in your safe arms. Forever blessed with your loving embrace. 

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